Whiskey Foxtrot Tango: Government Now Required to Write in New Language -- English

Last year, both houses of Congress passed, and President Obama Signed into law the Plain Writing Act of 2010. You can read it for yourself, all three pages of it, here. Sadly, it's not written very plainly.

Under the law, beginning sometime in October (roughly coinciding with the end of the world according to the people who say that the Rapture begins in two days), the government will be required to put all new or substantially revised documents in plain written English. The requirements include these:

• clear
• concise
• well-organized
• follows other best practices appropriate to the subject or field and intended audience

Wow! The federal government is going to conform to this? What will be paying them for? Don't they spend virtually every waking hour writing crap that is murky, wordy, haphazard, and written for nobody on this planet? 

The law gives them an out though. It does not include regulations. So, the Feds will still have regulations with which to boggle the senses. And, over time, they have come up with some beauties.My favorite, because I am a benefits person were the retirement plan nondiscrimination regulations. To move into the technical realm for a second, they are there to regulate Internal Revenue Code Section 401(a)(4), all one sentence of it. 

When final regulations were initially released, do you know how many pages it took to regulate on sentence? Come on, take a guess. I'll make it multiple choice for you.

a. 11

b. 609

c. 1

d. 2,716

e. 84

What was your guess? Did you get it right? I'm not going to give you the answer just yet. But I will tell you that this regulation was neither clear nor concise nor well-organized, and many practitioners still don't understand it some twenty years later, so I don't think it was written for its intended audience.

Did you get the multiple choice question correct? Did you answer "b. 609"? No? You didn't believe that even our government could do that? Think again.

Perhaps better yet, there was the Pentagon brownie recipe reference in a regulation. I swear, I'm not making this stuff up. I'm an actuary, I couldn't possibly be this creative. It included these lovely terms:

• Regulations promulgated thereunder
• Flow rates of thermoplastics by extrusion plastometer
• Shall be examined organoleptically (that last word means by smell touch or taste)

Whiskey Foxtrot Tango?

So, there is this requirement coming up. But, there is a problem. Violators of the law will not lose their genitalia or other equally important body parts. So, I guess the government shall continue to pollute our eyes with gibberish.

Diversify Your Wine Tastes -- You'll be Glad You Did

If you are reading this, there is a good chance that you live in the United States. If you do, and if you are a wine drinker, there is a pretty reasonable chance that when you look at a wine list in a restaurant, you go immediately to either the Chardonnay section if you like white wines, or to the Merlot section if you like red wines.

Shame on you.

They are both nice grapes, but don't you get bored sometimes. Isn't it about time you branched out a little bit. Try something different. Experience something new.

For starters, there are about a gazillion wine varietals in the world. A gazillion is a big number, or at least for the purposes of this post, I am claiming it is. In some cases, the grapes that you see listed on a bottle, while different, are really the same grape (for example, Zinfandel and Primitivo, or Mourvedre and Monastrell). But, most of them are different and have their own unique characteristics.

Here are some examples (by no means an exhaustive list), off the top of my head, with some of their common characteristic flavors or aromas. Do you know which ones you like? Which ones have you tried?

White Wine Varietals

• Chardonnay (green apple, citrus, melon, quince, honey) ... if it has too much butter or too much oak, you lose the real flavor
• Sauvignon Blanc (tropical fruit, mango, peach, honeysuckle, light citrus) ... well made, it should have a very clean, refreshing taste
• Pinot Gris/Pinot Grigio (Grapefruit, bigger citrus, lichee, apricot, nectarine) ... the mass produced usually have somewhat overbearing citrus, look for the ones with subtler fruit
• Semillon (Lemongrass, lemon, key lime pie, pear, honey, smoke, cut grass, gooseberry) ... not grown much in the US, but one of the two staples of Sauternes
• Riesling (White flowers and light fruits, white peaches, jasmine, honeysuckle, passion fruit) ... the reputation is that Riesling is a sweet wine and some rieslings are, but the combination of its natural sweetness and its minerality make it perfect with spicy foods (Thai, etc.)
• Gewurtzraminer (Think of the baskets of potpourri that women like to adorn powder rooms with, lavender, rose petals, mango, guava, another grape that cuts through asian spices well)
• Viognier (often a bit effervescent and refreshing, think violets, irises, and apricot marmalade)

Red Wine Varietals

• Cabernet Sauvignon (the king of all red grapes, often big and bold, craving flavorful meats and stinky cheeses, chewy, think dark berries, tobacco, eucalyptus)
• Shiraz/Syrah/Sirah (very different depending on where it comes from, in Australia tendency toward jammy wines with the very best having cocoa and chocolatey notes, American wines tend more toward licorice and fennel or even leather and tar, in France they are more refined with red berries and currants)
• Pinot Noir (Spice, red berries, red and purple flowers, difficult to produce well, a classic food wine)
• Merlot (the grape that tried to give a bad reputation to American red wine when at its worst, at its best it is a melange of red blue and black fruits and goes with most any meats)
• Zinfandel (the American grape, pepper, spice, dark fruit, earth tones and raisins)
• Tempranillo (the noble grape of Spain, many characteristics of Cabernet Sauvignon, but typically less tannic, dark berries earth tones and leather galore)
• Cabernet Franc (along with Sauvignon Blanc, one of the two genetic parents of Cabernet Sauvignon, more often a blending grape, think black fruit, mint, graphite and dust)
• Gamay (the grape of Beaujolais, refreshing, youthful, strawberry, raspberry and cherry)
• Malbec (to the nose and palate a blend of Cabernet and Merlot, think blackberry, plum and chocolate)
• Sangiovese (the king of Tuscany, nothing describes it better to me than rhubarb pie with a hint of tobacco)
• Nebbiolo (the northern Italian grape, with chestnut, mocha, tobacco, tar, earth notes)
• Grenache/Garnacha (earthy, meaty, peppery and spicy, take a sensory trip through a briar patch)
• Petit Verdot (the Bordeaux grape rarely used as a single varietal that hits the mid-palate hard, perfect with wild game, earthy, yet bold, do not drink it young)
• Mourvedre/Monastrell (the nose is gamey, but the fruit is much softer red, it's a versatile food wine young and a great blending grape for a winter wine in front of the fireplace)
• Touriga Nacional (the key grape of vintage Port, very intense raisiny flavors, very tannic, give it time, give it time, give it time)

I'm sorry if I've left out your favorite grape, but like I said, this was all off the top of my head. 

In any event, whatever you do, try some diversity in your wine drinking, you'll thank me later.

The Gang of Six -- They Might Just Get a Following

You may have heard of the Gang of Six, six US senators with somewhat disparate backgrounds and voting records with a common goal. They all want to get the US economy back in shape. And, if there is any one thing that perhaps all Americans agree on these days, it's that the economy isn't where it needs to be.

The blame is placed virtually everywhere. Lyndon Johnson's Great Society gave us lots of social programs that surely are the reason for our current fiscal disaster. You don't believe that? Jimmy Carter's economic policy for recovery that gave us double digit inflation is surely to blame. You don't believe that either? Ronald Reagan and his Tax Reform Act of 1986, as well as trickle-down economics and deficit spending must be the curse of all economic curses? You don't think that's the reason? How about the great bailouts under George W. Bush and Barack Obama, were they the reason? Surely, you think that at least one of these contributed to the morass that we find ourselves in, and if not one of those, then find a way to blame one of our recent White House denizens. Surely, you can do it.

The Gang of Six (hereinafter, G6) wants to fix it all. That's really cool, methinks. Here is what they have going for them. There are 3 Democrats and 3 Republicans, so whatever they come up with will be bipartisan. They say that all Americans will hate some part of their plan. Perhaps that means it is good. They say that it is important that they worry about doing what is right for the country, not worrying about getting re-elected.

Bravo!

Let's consider what the G6 have in common. Not much. Republicans would tell you that these are 3 liberal Democrats. Democrats would tell you that these are 3 conservative Republicans.

Now, I'm going to reproduce the current G6 plan in its entirety. It should be a long read, but you can do it. It will start in the next two lines immediately following this one and end before the following paragraph.




That sure was a good read, wasn't it? A few lines of blank space. But, there are some fairly smart people among the G6. All are popular in their home states, so they may not need to worry about re-election. Maybe, they'll come out with something useful, maybe not. It can't be worse than where we are now.

Benefits and Compensation with John Lowell: IMHO: The Stupidest Rule

Benefits and Compensation with John Lowell: IMHO: The Stupidest Rule: "NOTE: This post, in particular, is my opinion. It may not be the opinion of my employer, and advertisers, or anyone else, for that matter. ..."

Stems are Not on Wine Glasses to Make Them Easier to Break -- Use Them People

My wife, a wonderful person who I love to death, likes this TV show called "Brothers and Sisters." It's about a pretty dysfunctional family who used to own a California winery. Let me repeat -- they used to own a California winery!

Most of the actors and actresses on the show are pretty famous at their trade. They've done a lot of gigs. I suspect they have a lot of money. And, on the show, they are always drinking wine, sometimes talking about it to the point of mentioning vintages. These are not cheap wines that this wine family is purportedly drinking ... and they are generally drinking the wine out of relatively proper glasses.

They all hold the glass by the bowl, making sure usually to wrap their fingers around the part of the bowl that actually has wine in it. Sometimes, they even cradle the bowl. And, the wines are purported to have come from their cellar.

Let's get this straight. They spend money to keep the wines temperature controlled and then they warm the wine to inappropriate temperatures by making love to the glasses with their hands.

Stupid! Asinine! Uncouth! Despicable!

Gee, how do you think I feel about this?

And, you know, it's not just on that show. It's pervasive among the Hollywood snobs. You see them at an awards show -- most of them are nicely warming the champagne with their hands. I even saw on one show (I don't remember the show) where they were supposedly drinking 1989 Chateau D'Yquem (that is one of the great vintages of perhaps the world's finest dessert style wine). They were drinking it in Riedel Sommelier Sauternes glasses. And they were cradling the bowl!

They should be flogged. They should be incarcerated. They should be sentenced to spend hours listening to Charlie Sheen.

Important notes:

• Stems are on wine glasses for a reason
• Wines are served at proper temperatures for a reason
• Not all of us can serve our wines at exactly the right temperatures, in fact most of us can't, but we try to get close
• Don't get your wine to the right temperature and then warm it up because you think it's a glass of brandy and you need to caress the bottom of the bowl

HOLD THE GLASS BY THE STEM ... or the base

Too Much Rhetoric - The Fools on the Hill

Congress sucks!

That's right, I said it. The House Republicans are claiming $100 billion in budget cuts, but their starting point is a budget that was never passed. Their cuts from budgets that ever existed total $61 billion if enacted for a full year. The Democrats in the House retorted by saying that their proposals cut $45 billion from the budget which is roughly 3/4 of the $61 billion cut by the Republicans. ow did they get their $45 billion? They worked from the same Administration budget that was never passed.

The issue isn't about how much they cut, and how they miscalculate the amount. The issue is how close we can get to a balanced budget, and how quickly we can get to one that is balanced.

Little more than a decade ago, we had a balanced budget. Yes, we had events occur (9/11 and others) that caused increases in certain components of the spending side of the budget. But, just like you and me, when the US has a sudden unexpected expenditure that comes up, the government needs to tighten its belt elsewhere.

Ain't happening. There are too many pet budget items out there.

So, with all due respect to Messrs Lennon and McCartney, here is my ode to Congress:

Day after day,
Up on the hill,
The House with the foolish grins in sitting perfectly still
We all want them to do something
But they are a bunch of fools,
And they never give an answer,

But the fools on the hill,
See their polls going down,
And the eyes in their heads
See the world spinning round

Well on the way,
Brains in the clouds,
Millions of voices out there speaking perfectly loud
But Congress never hears them,
Or the sound they appear to make
And Congress doesn't notice

As the fools on the hill,

See their polls going down,

And the eyes in their heads

See the world spinning round

And nobody seems to like them

Their rating is ten percent

But they ignore those feelings

Cause the fools on the hill,

See their polls going down,

And the eyes in their heads

See the world spinning round

Ooh, ohh

Round and round [my apologies, I just can't do anything with those lovely lines]

And they never listen to us

They know they are just fools

They know that we don't like them

They're the fools on the hill,

With their polls going down,

And the eyes in their heads

See the world spinning round

It's Justin Bieber's Birthday

I don't know whether I learned it first because it was trending on Twitter or because somebody posted it on Facebook, but today is Justin Bieber's birthday. On Facebook, I saw this post: "My daughter and her bff are acting as if it's their bdays. Balloons, JB Cookies". That is just wrong, very wrong. But, I had to figure out what it is about him that makes people want to celebrate his birthday.


I googled "Justin Bieber lyrics" and it took me to some song called "Baby", which I have had the misfortune of hearing. It says that Justin Bieber was one of the songwriters, so I looked at the lyrics which surely would be so wonderful that it would explain why pre-pubescent girls are celebrating his birthday. Here you go:


And I was like
Baby, baby, baby, ooh
Like
Baby, baby, baby, noo
Like
Baby, baby, baby, ohh
I thought you'd always be mine
Like
Baby, baby, baby, ohh
Like
Baby, baby, baby, noo
Like
Baby, baby, baby, ohh
I thought you'd always be mine


That's it. It's those lyrics. They summarize the meaning of life and that's why Justin Bieber's birthday is on track to become a national holiday here, even though he is Canadian.


Seriously, I understand this kid is pretty talented and even though I hear he cut his hair, I guess he's pretty cute. But, c'mon people. This is a kid whose voice may continue to change. He may turn out like Lindsay Lohan or Charlie Sheen. And, much to the chagrin of millions of screaming tweens, he didn't even win the Grammy for best new artist (it went to Esperanza Spalding, someone who does have significant musical talent).


I guess we've been through this before. There was Elvis. There were The Beatles. And, there have been countless other favorites. But, I grew up with The Beatles, and while there was hysteria (and fainting) when they arrived in New York, there was never a celebration in my class, anyway, of Paul McCartney's birthday.


This scares me. I think it is the current sign that the apocalypse is nearing.


By the way, Justin Bieber IS more talented than Miley Cyrus.